Celebrate Life

Today Doug's family and I got together and did three things he absolutely did not care for.

1) We gathered to celebrate his birthday.

• He would have been 40 years old today. Doug wasn't big on celebrating his birthday. I think it had to do with the fact that he didn't like to be the center of attention.

2) We went to Mass.

• Doug was spiritual and believed in God, but he had long ago given up on church and organized religion.
  

3) We had brunch at Frisch's.

• Doug worked at Frisch's for many years as a server. Once he quit he rarely ate there again. In the 9 years we were together I think we may have eaten at a Frisch's 3 times.

We laughed at the irony of doing things Doug didn't like to do on his birthday. We even tried to come up with other things we could do just in case he was watching. It was good to visit, laugh and celebrate his life with family that love and miss him as much as I do.

Happy Birthday, Pumpkin-butt. I'll love you always.

These Friends of Mine

The past couple of months have been stressful to say the least. From trips to doctors and hospitals to the death of my partner; it has all been a depressing blur. Through it all I've had a great support system. Words cannot even begin to express my gratitude to friends and family.

My family, both by blood and by choice, has been very supportive. Doug's immediate family has been especially loving. When it came time to make difficult medical decisions they deferred to me. When it was time to pick out a coffin it was my choice. Legally they didn't have to do any of that. It was out of respect and love that it happened. That love and support carries on even now. I talk with them every other day. We lean on each other during this time of grieving. I know that even when the grief lessens we will still have each other. They will continue to be my family.

My own family is just as wonderful. My mother calls me every day to make sure I'm taking care of myself. My brothers and sisters call or write to make sure I'm doing okay. We are more spread out from each other, but we strive to keep in contact. They all loved Doug and miss him almost as much as I do.

My friends? Words are not enough to express the gratitude I have for each of them. I would still be sitting in the house staring blankly at the walls if it weren't for them. Barry asked me out to see a play. Dan and Shannon took me out for drinks and made sure I had fun. Andrew showed up and shared in the fun and calls me every so often to make sure I'm okay. Annie came down from Chicago to attend the service and give me hugs. Colleen invites me to dinner or to come up to Dayton. Some day I'll take her up on that offer. Polly checks in with me from across The Pond. I talk to my oldest friend Paul almost every day. He keeps me more sane than I think he realizes.

There are so many others. Beth, Robert and Michelle keep sending me words of support. Shannon W., Rita, Travis and Stefan tell me how much I'm loved. Jason is there to lend me a shoulder if I need it. Garth dug out my driveway after the ice storm. Erin puts up with my shit at work and makes me laugh when I'm feeling down. Keith puts up with my antics. Eric shares his most embarrassing moments to cheer me up. Tim and Courtney hang out with the gang and make me smile. Karen sends me funny cards, and we have a date in March. Samantha talks to me about things other than sports at family events. Bobby, Tom, Maggie, and Robyn are there when I need them most. They are most precious to my heart. They accepted me as their uncle and friend because their uncle and friend loved me. Doug and I watched them grow up. I know he is as proud of each of them as I am.

This list could go on and on. There are many more friends that I haven't mention. They have sent me thoughts of love and warmth that I hold very dear and cherish. They have said prayers and sent cards. I am truly blessed. I am a very fortunate person to have so much love and support.

Four Weeks

Today marks four weeks since my partner Doug died. I've tried not to be sad and depressed. That really isn't working out too well. I've been trying to stay focused on all the good that we had together. There are moments when I pull it off and not stare blankly at the computer screen. I rarely can bring myself to watch television anymore. I guess I'm just not in the mood to be entertained.

I went out to dinner tonight with Doug's sister Joan. It helps recalling the good times we all had together. Instead of bemoaning how difficult it is right now I think I'll share a memory. I have lots of good memories. Over the course of almost nine years we rarely argued. We built a relationship on mutual respect. There are a few that find that hard to believe, but it's true. Just ask anyone who knew us as a couple. There are so many wonderful memories to choose from.

The memory I choose to share at this time is the night of our friends Karl and Erika's wedding reception. Doug wasn't the type of person that showed his emotions easily. He wasn't one to show public affection, and he didn't like to dance. That night though he gathered me in his arms and slow danced with me. I can feel his arms around me now as I sit here and type. I can still feel the love we have for each other.

My eyes are little blurry from the tears that are trying to creep up on me. That's okay though. Because I can say something that several people in this world cannot. I was loved. I was loved by a most generous and caring man. A man who didn't like to dance because he thought he looked silly and had no rhythm. But he danced with me. Because he loved me.