His car hadn't been moved since when? Mid October maybe? He was too ill to get behind the steering wheel. At first, it was because he was in too much pain. Later, he had surgery and was in the hospital. Finally... well you know the rest. So the car sat in the driveway for three months. When I pulled up in the evening from visiting him at the hospital his white Hyundia was there to remind me that soon we would be back to normal. Soon he would be the designated driver taking me out so I could get drunk with our friends. It wouldn't be much longer until he drove to the grocery store on Sunday morning. Wednesday nights he would be driving home late from visiting his mom and dad. The car reminded me that we would be okay.
When I drove down our street this evening I saw the empty spot where his car used to be parked. His mom had asked me if they could have the car, and I told them yes. I have no need for it. Still, seeing the empty space has a finality to it. We won't be returning to normal. There won't be anymore drives to visit family and friends with him behind the wheel. The funeral took place three weeks ago. One would think I would have figured that out by now. Seeing that empty space puts another hole in my heart though. It's a hole big enough to drive a car through.
Showing posts with label lonliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonliness. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This
Saturday, February 14 was a good day for me. Actually it was one of the best days I've had in a very long while. The day started with me waking up after a good night's sleep. That is always a plus. Around 11 o'clock in the morning my mom and my youngest sister came for a visit baring Valentine's Day gifts. I'm almost always in the mood for presents. Mom bought me candles from Warm Glow. They have great smelling hand dipped candles. The smell usually makes me hungry. The rest of the day was spent going to lunch, doing some shopping and cleaning the house. I know. It seems somehow wrong to ask family to help you clean, but they volunteered.
After my family left I took a short nap before going out with my good friend Barry. He had asked me to go to a play with him a couple weeks back. I reluctantly agreed at that time. I wasn't sure if I would be ready to face a night out with friends yet. I thought about backing out several times before Saturday, but all the widows at work keep telling me I have to get out of the house. I'm glad I made the decision to go out. I overcame my reluctance and had a great time. While I didn't really understand the play, meeting other friends for drinks and dancing made up for my confusion. I met some new friends that night, too. I had so much fun I didn't get home until 4:30 Sunday morning. I haven't been out that late in years probably.
Then came Sunday. Sunday was the day Doug's mom, dad and oldest brother came to the house to go over Doug's expenses. They also brought copies of the death certificate. They helped me go through bills that I hadn't had the heart to open. They also asked me questions to which I didn't know the answers. Doug and I kept are expenses pretty much separate. It seems so odd now, but I never thought about where he spent his money. While we were together close to nine years it just never occurred to me to ask. We had a very trusting relationship. Bills were paid when they were due, and that was all that mattered. During the months he was so sick he couldn't pay his bills himself, I paid what I knew about. I didn't know exactly the why of each one, but I didn't feel the need to know. His family may be curious, but I'm not sure even now that I want to know. If Doug had felt there was a need, he would have told me I'm sure.
The short of this tale is that I appreciate Doug's family helping with things that I couldn't bring myself to do yet. After they left though I was emotionally drained. I went to bed and stayed there for a couple of hours. I finally forced myself to get up and go to the grocery store. I managed to buy 3 cans of soup, milk and Oreos. Not much of a meal plan, but it will hold me over for the next couple of days. I was just so depressed I couldn't muster up the energy to do much more. Finally I called my mother. She's been widowed 10 years now. Even though she is remarried she tells me she still thinks of my dad every day. She told me at first the bad days are going to outweigh the good. Like the other widows I've talked to she has told me that I can't hole up inside the house and wish it all away. I have to get out and keep busy.
And that is how one of my better days was followed by one of my loneliest.
After my family left I took a short nap before going out with my good friend Barry. He had asked me to go to a play with him a couple weeks back. I reluctantly agreed at that time. I wasn't sure if I would be ready to face a night out with friends yet. I thought about backing out several times before Saturday, but all the widows at work keep telling me I have to get out of the house. I'm glad I made the decision to go out. I overcame my reluctance and had a great time. While I didn't really understand the play, meeting other friends for drinks and dancing made up for my confusion. I met some new friends that night, too. I had so much fun I didn't get home until 4:30 Sunday morning. I haven't been out that late in years probably.
Then came Sunday. Sunday was the day Doug's mom, dad and oldest brother came to the house to go over Doug's expenses. They also brought copies of the death certificate. They helped me go through bills that I hadn't had the heart to open. They also asked me questions to which I didn't know the answers. Doug and I kept are expenses pretty much separate. It seems so odd now, but I never thought about where he spent his money. While we were together close to nine years it just never occurred to me to ask. We had a very trusting relationship. Bills were paid when they were due, and that was all that mattered. During the months he was so sick he couldn't pay his bills himself, I paid what I knew about. I didn't know exactly the why of each one, but I didn't feel the need to know. His family may be curious, but I'm not sure even now that I want to know. If Doug had felt there was a need, he would have told me I'm sure.
The short of this tale is that I appreciate Doug's family helping with things that I couldn't bring myself to do yet. After they left though I was emotionally drained. I went to bed and stayed there for a couple of hours. I finally forced myself to get up and go to the grocery store. I managed to buy 3 cans of soup, milk and Oreos. Not much of a meal plan, but it will hold me over for the next couple of days. I was just so depressed I couldn't muster up the energy to do much more. Finally I called my mother. She's been widowed 10 years now. Even though she is remarried she tells me she still thinks of my dad every day. She told me at first the bad days are going to outweigh the good. Like the other widows I've talked to she has told me that I can't hole up inside the house and wish it all away. I have to get out and keep busy.
And that is how one of my better days was followed by one of my loneliest.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Stupid Heart
It's been two weeks since my lover died. My brain knows this, but my heart still can't comprehend the fact the Doug is not just down the road somewhere waiting to come home. I don't think I've even scratched the surface of grief yet. There has been so much to do. Even after the funeral I've barely had a moment to think about Doug's passing. When I do have a moment, when I am alone at night, I try not to think about it. Denial is my threadbare blanket. It does not offer any warmth or comfort. Denial does not offer me any protection. What it does offer me is a sheath of delusion that everything is okay. I've been wrapped up in my denial blanket for some time, months maybe. It is so full of rips and holes I can barely keep it together. I suppose that is a good thing.
I went back to work this last week. One afternoon I had to work later than my usual. My first thought was to call Doug and tell him I'll be home late. This thought was even more out of place since Doug had not been able to communicate on the phone since November 2008. Strange how I was back in my routine and felt like everything was "normal." Stupid heart causing me to forget even for a brief second or two.
I was warned this would happen. That I would want to place phone calls. That I would wonder what we are going to do for dinner tonight. I was warned I could be in a room full of people and still feel incredibly lonely for the person I love. My brain knows this, but my heart sill can't comprehend.
I went back to work this last week. One afternoon I had to work later than my usual. My first thought was to call Doug and tell him I'll be home late. This thought was even more out of place since Doug had not been able to communicate on the phone since November 2008. Strange how I was back in my routine and felt like everything was "normal." Stupid heart causing me to forget even for a brief second or two.
I was warned this would happen. That I would want to place phone calls. That I would wonder what we are going to do for dinner tonight. I was warned I could be in a room full of people and still feel incredibly lonely for the person I love. My brain knows this, but my heart sill can't comprehend.
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