Today marks four weeks since my partner Doug died. I've tried not to be sad and depressed. That really isn't working out too well. I've been trying to stay focused on all the good that we had together. There are moments when I pull it off and not stare blankly at the computer screen. I rarely can bring myself to watch television anymore. I guess I'm just not in the mood to be entertained.
I went out to dinner tonight with Doug's sister Joan. It helps recalling the good times we all had together. Instead of bemoaning how difficult it is right now I think I'll share a memory. I have lots of good memories. Over the course of almost nine years we rarely argued. We built a relationship on mutual respect. There are a few that find that hard to believe, but it's true. Just ask anyone who knew us as a couple. There are so many wonderful memories to choose from.
The memory I choose to share at this time is the night of our friends Karl and Erika's wedding reception. Doug wasn't the type of person that showed his emotions easily. He wasn't one to show public affection, and he didn't like to dance. That night though he gathered me in his arms and slow danced with me. I can feel his arms around me now as I sit here and type. I can still feel the love we have for each other.
My eyes are little blurry from the tears that are trying to creep up on me. That's okay though. Because I can say something that several people in this world cannot. I was loved. I was loved by a most generous and caring man. A man who didn't like to dance because he thought he looked silly and had no rhythm. But he danced with me. Because he loved me.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
And Now It's Gone
His car hadn't been moved since when? Mid October maybe? He was too ill to get behind the steering wheel. At first, it was because he was in too much pain. Later, he had surgery and was in the hospital. Finally... well you know the rest. So the car sat in the driveway for three months. When I pulled up in the evening from visiting him at the hospital his white Hyundia was there to remind me that soon we would be back to normal. Soon he would be the designated driver taking me out so I could get drunk with our friends. It wouldn't be much longer until he drove to the grocery store on Sunday morning. Wednesday nights he would be driving home late from visiting his mom and dad. The car reminded me that we would be okay.
When I drove down our street this evening I saw the empty spot where his car used to be parked. His mom had asked me if they could have the car, and I told them yes. I have no need for it. Still, seeing the empty space has a finality to it. We won't be returning to normal. There won't be anymore drives to visit family and friends with him behind the wheel. The funeral took place three weeks ago. One would think I would have figured that out by now. Seeing that empty space puts another hole in my heart though. It's a hole big enough to drive a car through.
When I drove down our street this evening I saw the empty spot where his car used to be parked. His mom had asked me if they could have the car, and I told them yes. I have no need for it. Still, seeing the empty space has a finality to it. We won't be returning to normal. There won't be anymore drives to visit family and friends with him behind the wheel. The funeral took place three weeks ago. One would think I would have figured that out by now. Seeing that empty space puts another hole in my heart though. It's a hole big enough to drive a car through.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This
Saturday, February 14 was a good day for me. Actually it was one of the best days I've had in a very long while. The day started with me waking up after a good night's sleep. That is always a plus. Around 11 o'clock in the morning my mom and my youngest sister came for a visit baring Valentine's Day gifts. I'm almost always in the mood for presents. Mom bought me candles from Warm Glow. They have great smelling hand dipped candles. The smell usually makes me hungry. The rest of the day was spent going to lunch, doing some shopping and cleaning the house. I know. It seems somehow wrong to ask family to help you clean, but they volunteered.
After my family left I took a short nap before going out with my good friend Barry. He had asked me to go to a play with him a couple weeks back. I reluctantly agreed at that time. I wasn't sure if I would be ready to face a night out with friends yet. I thought about backing out several times before Saturday, but all the widows at work keep telling me I have to get out of the house. I'm glad I made the decision to go out. I overcame my reluctance and had a great time. While I didn't really understand the play, meeting other friends for drinks and dancing made up for my confusion. I met some new friends that night, too. I had so much fun I didn't get home until 4:30 Sunday morning. I haven't been out that late in years probably.
Then came Sunday. Sunday was the day Doug's mom, dad and oldest brother came to the house to go over Doug's expenses. They also brought copies of the death certificate. They helped me go through bills that I hadn't had the heart to open. They also asked me questions to which I didn't know the answers. Doug and I kept are expenses pretty much separate. It seems so odd now, but I never thought about where he spent his money. While we were together close to nine years it just never occurred to me to ask. We had a very trusting relationship. Bills were paid when they were due, and that was all that mattered. During the months he was so sick he couldn't pay his bills himself, I paid what I knew about. I didn't know exactly the why of each one, but I didn't feel the need to know. His family may be curious, but I'm not sure even now that I want to know. If Doug had felt there was a need, he would have told me I'm sure.
The short of this tale is that I appreciate Doug's family helping with things that I couldn't bring myself to do yet. After they left though I was emotionally drained. I went to bed and stayed there for a couple of hours. I finally forced myself to get up and go to the grocery store. I managed to buy 3 cans of soup, milk and Oreos. Not much of a meal plan, but it will hold me over for the next couple of days. I was just so depressed I couldn't muster up the energy to do much more. Finally I called my mother. She's been widowed 10 years now. Even though she is remarried she tells me she still thinks of my dad every day. She told me at first the bad days are going to outweigh the good. Like the other widows I've talked to she has told me that I can't hole up inside the house and wish it all away. I have to get out and keep busy.
And that is how one of my better days was followed by one of my loneliest.
After my family left I took a short nap before going out with my good friend Barry. He had asked me to go to a play with him a couple weeks back. I reluctantly agreed at that time. I wasn't sure if I would be ready to face a night out with friends yet. I thought about backing out several times before Saturday, but all the widows at work keep telling me I have to get out of the house. I'm glad I made the decision to go out. I overcame my reluctance and had a great time. While I didn't really understand the play, meeting other friends for drinks and dancing made up for my confusion. I met some new friends that night, too. I had so much fun I didn't get home until 4:30 Sunday morning. I haven't been out that late in years probably.
Then came Sunday. Sunday was the day Doug's mom, dad and oldest brother came to the house to go over Doug's expenses. They also brought copies of the death certificate. They helped me go through bills that I hadn't had the heart to open. They also asked me questions to which I didn't know the answers. Doug and I kept are expenses pretty much separate. It seems so odd now, but I never thought about where he spent his money. While we were together close to nine years it just never occurred to me to ask. We had a very trusting relationship. Bills were paid when they were due, and that was all that mattered. During the months he was so sick he couldn't pay his bills himself, I paid what I knew about. I didn't know exactly the why of each one, but I didn't feel the need to know. His family may be curious, but I'm not sure even now that I want to know. If Doug had felt there was a need, he would have told me I'm sure.
The short of this tale is that I appreciate Doug's family helping with things that I couldn't bring myself to do yet. After they left though I was emotionally drained. I went to bed and stayed there for a couple of hours. I finally forced myself to get up and go to the grocery store. I managed to buy 3 cans of soup, milk and Oreos. Not much of a meal plan, but it will hold me over for the next couple of days. I was just so depressed I couldn't muster up the energy to do much more. Finally I called my mother. She's been widowed 10 years now. Even though she is remarried she tells me she still thinks of my dad every day. She told me at first the bad days are going to outweigh the good. Like the other widows I've talked to she has told me that I can't hole up inside the house and wish it all away. I have to get out and keep busy.
And that is how one of my better days was followed by one of my loneliest.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Its Just a Day
I'm not going to be sad today. I'm not going to wallow in self pity. I'm going to remember the love that I shared with Doug. Our time together holds to many good memories to be over shadowed by the last few months. I am going to go out and celebrate with my good friend Barry. That's how I choose to spend my Valentine's day.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Another Day
I didn't sleep well last night. I've been taking medication to help get me through the night, but not last night. Stupid reason aside, by the time I realized my mistake it was 2: 00 AM. When I finally did drop off to sleep I kept dreaming I was at The Funeral. I was also arguing in my dream with Doug's sister about a crucifix of his that she wanted. Doug didn't own a crucifix. Maybe it's because I found a rosary behind the fridge. I have no idea how it got there. Neither one of us are/were practicing Catholics.
Before the fitful night of sleep I did watch RuPaul's Drag Race online. See, I'm not depressed all the time. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. I'm not much of a reality t.v. watching kind of person, but this show is fun. RuPaul is gorgeous in drag and oddly nerdy looking in a cute sort of way out of drag. The first two episodes are online along with exit interviews and 'behind the scenes' videos. Is the word 'fierce' to over used?
Today was busy with not much down time at work. That's what I need right now. Oh and the guy next to me farted all day. So of course I had to make fun of him. Sometimes it helps to be mean to others. Okay, I wasn't all that mean, well not hateful anyway.
Before the fitful night of sleep I did watch RuPaul's Drag Race online. See, I'm not depressed all the time. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. I'm not much of a reality t.v. watching kind of person, but this show is fun. RuPaul is gorgeous in drag and oddly nerdy looking in a cute sort of way out of drag. The first two episodes are online along with exit interviews and 'behind the scenes' videos. Is the word 'fierce' to over used?
Today was busy with not much down time at work. That's what I need right now. Oh and the guy next to me farted all day. So of course I had to make fun of him. Sometimes it helps to be mean to others. Okay, I wasn't all that mean, well not hateful anyway.
Monday, February 9, 2009
It's Not All Gloom
Today wasn't really a good day. I moped through most of it at work. I canceled dinner with a friend. I used the excuse that I needed to do some errands (which I do), but truth be told I just didn't feel like going out tonight. It's easier to sit here in front of my computer eating warmed up chimichangas then put any effort in leaving the house and face people. I'd like to say I hope this phase doesn't last long, but I can't even do that with conviction.
But it isn't all gloom and despair. I have moments where I laugh at something stupid at work. I see a youtube video posted on a friend's blog, and it makes me smile. They are fleeting emotions, but genuine. My intellect knows that I won't feel like emotional dog crap until the end of my days, but right now that is of little comfort. I know I've got to get out of this house or my depression will just deepen. I need a mental kick in the ass to get started.
My overall point is that I have good moments. I really do. I'll try and share those as much as I share my 'poor-little-widow-me' moments. Just be paitent with me.
But it isn't all gloom and despair. I have moments where I laugh at something stupid at work. I see a youtube video posted on a friend's blog, and it makes me smile. They are fleeting emotions, but genuine. My intellect knows that I won't feel like emotional dog crap until the end of my days, but right now that is of little comfort. I know I've got to get out of this house or my depression will just deepen. I need a mental kick in the ass to get started.
My overall point is that I have good moments. I really do. I'll try and share those as much as I share my 'poor-little-widow-me' moments. Just be paitent with me.
Pictures
There were a few days after the funeral that I was constantly looking at pictures. I saw pictures of Doug in his college days. I looked through pictures of Doug with his family. I put a screen saver up with pictures of Doug during our life together. Suddenly I can't do it any more. For some reason I don't really understand looking at all these pictures has become too painful.
I feel a little guilty about not wanting to see pictures of my dead loved one. I wonder if it is a part of the grieving process to want to separate myself from all of these images. Or is it more of me wrapping my denial blanket tighter around me? I should probably ask someone, but then I get just as tired talking about my grief as I do looking at pictures.
I feel a little guilty about not wanting to see pictures of my dead loved one. I wonder if it is a part of the grieving process to want to separate myself from all of these images. Or is it more of me wrapping my denial blanket tighter around me? I should probably ask someone, but then I get just as tired talking about my grief as I do looking at pictures.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Stupid Heart
It's been two weeks since my lover died. My brain knows this, but my heart still can't comprehend the fact the Doug is not just down the road somewhere waiting to come home. I don't think I've even scratched the surface of grief yet. There has been so much to do. Even after the funeral I've barely had a moment to think about Doug's passing. When I do have a moment, when I am alone at night, I try not to think about it. Denial is my threadbare blanket. It does not offer any warmth or comfort. Denial does not offer me any protection. What it does offer me is a sheath of delusion that everything is okay. I've been wrapped up in my denial blanket for some time, months maybe. It is so full of rips and holes I can barely keep it together. I suppose that is a good thing.
I went back to work this last week. One afternoon I had to work later than my usual. My first thought was to call Doug and tell him I'll be home late. This thought was even more out of place since Doug had not been able to communicate on the phone since November 2008. Strange how I was back in my routine and felt like everything was "normal." Stupid heart causing me to forget even for a brief second or two.
I was warned this would happen. That I would want to place phone calls. That I would wonder what we are going to do for dinner tonight. I was warned I could be in a room full of people and still feel incredibly lonely for the person I love. My brain knows this, but my heart sill can't comprehend.
I went back to work this last week. One afternoon I had to work later than my usual. My first thought was to call Doug and tell him I'll be home late. This thought was even more out of place since Doug had not been able to communicate on the phone since November 2008. Strange how I was back in my routine and felt like everything was "normal." Stupid heart causing me to forget even for a brief second or two.
I was warned this would happen. That I would want to place phone calls. That I would wonder what we are going to do for dinner tonight. I was warned I could be in a room full of people and still feel incredibly lonely for the person I love. My brain knows this, but my heart sill can't comprehend.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Test Drive
So I've been thinking a lot about blogging lately. Just a place to put some of my scattered thoughts down. If someone else reads them, great. If not, it's not for the masses anyway. At least not yet.
Why a somewhat public forum to spill my figurative guts? I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Maybe it's vanity. Maybe someone somewhere will read what I put down and identify with what I have to say. Maybe I'm full of shit. All are possible answers.
So this is a test drive. It is a start to an experiment that could have good results or end in failure. Either way I hope the journey is at least interesting to me. I hate it when I bore myself.
Why a somewhat public forum to spill my figurative guts? I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Maybe it's vanity. Maybe someone somewhere will read what I put down and identify with what I have to say. Maybe I'm full of shit. All are possible answers.
So this is a test drive. It is a start to an experiment that could have good results or end in failure. Either way I hope the journey is at least interesting to me. I hate it when I bore myself.
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