His car hadn't been moved since when? Mid October maybe? He was too ill to get behind the steering wheel. At first, it was because he was in too much pain. Later, he had surgery and was in the hospital. Finally... well you know the rest. So the car sat in the driveway for three months. When I pulled up in the evening from visiting him at the hospital his white Hyundia was there to remind me that soon we would be back to normal. Soon he would be the designated driver taking me out so I could get drunk with our friends. It wouldn't be much longer until he drove to the grocery store on Sunday morning. Wednesday nights he would be driving home late from visiting his mom and dad. The car reminded me that we would be okay.
When I drove down our street this evening I saw the empty spot where his car used to be parked. His mom had asked me if they could have the car, and I told them yes. I have no need for it. Still, seeing the empty space has a finality to it. We won't be returning to normal. There won't be anymore drives to visit family and friends with him behind the wheel. The funeral took place three weeks ago. One would think I would have figured that out by now. Seeing that empty space puts another hole in my heart though. It's a hole big enough to drive a car through.
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2 comments:
You know, grief isn't like other emotions and your personal grief is not like any other person's grief. It completely makes sense to me that the car not being there hurts you.
I cannot imagine losing my spouse. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. But I can tell you that you can and you must grieve. I hope your blogging will help you with your pain. Be good to yourself.
Thank you for your kind words. Blogging has helped me through some of the pain and grief. Hopefully one day I can get to the point where this blog will be more than just discussing my loss.
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