It's All Good. Well, mostly

I haven't posted anything in a long while, so I wanted to drop a quick line or two in case anyone actually reads this besides me.

I plan on blogging some more soon. Until that time know that my life is slowly returning to some semblance of normal. I still get struck by how quiet my home life is now from time to time. I was wondering the other night if the reason I chat online so much nowadays is because it gets lonely here. *shrug*

That line of thought is for another time.

Cheers.

Celebrate Life

Today Doug's family and I got together and did three things he absolutely did not care for.

1) We gathered to celebrate his birthday.

• He would have been 40 years old today. Doug wasn't big on celebrating his birthday. I think it had to do with the fact that he didn't like to be the center of attention.

2) We went to Mass.

• Doug was spiritual and believed in God, but he had long ago given up on church and organized religion.
  

3) We had brunch at Frisch's.

• Doug worked at Frisch's for many years as a server. Once he quit he rarely ate there again. In the 9 years we were together I think we may have eaten at a Frisch's 3 times.

We laughed at the irony of doing things Doug didn't like to do on his birthday. We even tried to come up with other things we could do just in case he was watching. It was good to visit, laugh and celebrate his life with family that love and miss him as much as I do.

Happy Birthday, Pumpkin-butt. I'll love you always.

It's Funny Strange; Not Funny Ha Ha

Don't get me wrong. I have had a good month and a half since my last blog. I've been going out on weekends and having fun with my friends. I saw an amazing play at The New Stage Collective with Barry. I went to see the Cincy Roller Girls derby match. That's something I never envisioned myself doing. Again that is thanks to Barry. He is a great friend.

My friend Paul came down and spent a couple of nights with me. We just ran around, saw a movie, and had a general good time. I've been hanging out with friends online and playing Scrabble. In short I've nothing to complain about. And yet...

I still miss Doug terribly. I know it's only been 3 months. I've been reading some of the literature that was sent to me by the hospice where he died. I know this feeling is natural, but that doesn't really make it easier. And here is the funny strange part. I don't seem to enjoy the things I used to anymore.

I loved to read, but I can't bring myself to finish a book. All the shows on television that I looked forward to each week don't even interest me anymore. I had a hobby that I really enjoyed. Now I don't have the energy to even look at it. I'm hoping that this is just temporary symptom of all the stress and heartache that I've incurred over the last 6 months. I want to be happy, truly happy again. It is my hope that this spring and summer that I get out even more. I want to travel and to meet new people. I want most of all to stop sitting down almost every night in front of the computer because I don't have the gumption to move. I'm waiting for the funny ha ha to start up again.

These Friends of Mine

The past couple of months have been stressful to say the least. From trips to doctors and hospitals to the death of my partner; it has all been a depressing blur. Through it all I've had a great support system. Words cannot even begin to express my gratitude to friends and family.

My family, both by blood and by choice, has been very supportive. Doug's immediate family has been especially loving. When it came time to make difficult medical decisions they deferred to me. When it was time to pick out a coffin it was my choice. Legally they didn't have to do any of that. It was out of respect and love that it happened. That love and support carries on even now. I talk with them every other day. We lean on each other during this time of grieving. I know that even when the grief lessens we will still have each other. They will continue to be my family.

My own family is just as wonderful. My mother calls me every day to make sure I'm taking care of myself. My brothers and sisters call or write to make sure I'm doing okay. We are more spread out from each other, but we strive to keep in contact. They all loved Doug and miss him almost as much as I do.

My friends? Words are not enough to express the gratitude I have for each of them. I would still be sitting in the house staring blankly at the walls if it weren't for them. Barry asked me out to see a play. Dan and Shannon took me out for drinks and made sure I had fun. Andrew showed up and shared in the fun and calls me every so often to make sure I'm okay. Annie came down from Chicago to attend the service and give me hugs. Colleen invites me to dinner or to come up to Dayton. Some day I'll take her up on that offer. Polly checks in with me from across The Pond. I talk to my oldest friend Paul almost every day. He keeps me more sane than I think he realizes.

There are so many others. Beth, Robert and Michelle keep sending me words of support. Shannon W., Rita, Travis and Stefan tell me how much I'm loved. Jason is there to lend me a shoulder if I need it. Garth dug out my driveway after the ice storm. Erin puts up with my shit at work and makes me laugh when I'm feeling down. Keith puts up with my antics. Eric shares his most embarrassing moments to cheer me up. Tim and Courtney hang out with the gang and make me smile. Karen sends me funny cards, and we have a date in March. Samantha talks to me about things other than sports at family events. Bobby, Tom, Maggie, and Robyn are there when I need them most. They are most precious to my heart. They accepted me as their uncle and friend because their uncle and friend loved me. Doug and I watched them grow up. I know he is as proud of each of them as I am.

This list could go on and on. There are many more friends that I haven't mention. They have sent me thoughts of love and warmth that I hold very dear and cherish. They have said prayers and sent cards. I am truly blessed. I am a very fortunate person to have so much love and support.

Four Weeks

Today marks four weeks since my partner Doug died. I've tried not to be sad and depressed. That really isn't working out too well. I've been trying to stay focused on all the good that we had together. There are moments when I pull it off and not stare blankly at the computer screen. I rarely can bring myself to watch television anymore. I guess I'm just not in the mood to be entertained.

I went out to dinner tonight with Doug's sister Joan. It helps recalling the good times we all had together. Instead of bemoaning how difficult it is right now I think I'll share a memory. I have lots of good memories. Over the course of almost nine years we rarely argued. We built a relationship on mutual respect. There are a few that find that hard to believe, but it's true. Just ask anyone who knew us as a couple. There are so many wonderful memories to choose from.

The memory I choose to share at this time is the night of our friends Karl and Erika's wedding reception. Doug wasn't the type of person that showed his emotions easily. He wasn't one to show public affection, and he didn't like to dance. That night though he gathered me in his arms and slow danced with me. I can feel his arms around me now as I sit here and type. I can still feel the love we have for each other.

My eyes are little blurry from the tears that are trying to creep up on me. That's okay though. Because I can say something that several people in this world cannot. I was loved. I was loved by a most generous and caring man. A man who didn't like to dance because he thought he looked silly and had no rhythm. But he danced with me. Because he loved me.

And Now It's Gone

His car hadn't been moved since when? Mid October maybe? He was too ill to get behind the steering wheel. At first, it was because he was in too much pain. Later, he had surgery and was in the hospital. Finally... well you know the rest. So the car sat in the driveway for three months. When I pulled up in the evening from visiting him at the hospital his white Hyundia was there to remind me that soon we would be back to normal. Soon he would be the designated driver taking me out so I could get drunk with our friends. It wouldn't be much longer until he drove to the grocery store on Sunday morning. Wednesday nights he would be driving home late from visiting his mom and dad. The car reminded me that we would be okay.

When I drove down our street this evening I saw the empty spot where his car used to be parked. His mom had asked me if they could have the car, and I told them yes. I have no need for it. Still, seeing the empty space has a finality to it. We won't be returning to normal. There won't be anymore drives to visit family and friends with him behind the wheel. The funeral took place three weeks ago. One would think I would have figured that out by now. Seeing that empty space puts another hole in my heart though. It's a hole big enough to drive a car through.

Mama Said There Would Be Days Like This

Saturday, February 14 was a good day for me. Actually it was one of the best days I've had in a very long while. The day started with me waking up after a good night's sleep. That is always a plus. Around 11 o'clock in the morning my mom and my youngest sister came for a visit baring Valentine's Day gifts. I'm almost always in the mood for presents. Mom bought me candles from Warm Glow. They have great smelling hand dipped candles. The smell usually makes me hungry. The rest of the day was spent going to lunch, doing some shopping and cleaning the house. I know. It seems somehow wrong to ask family to help you clean, but they volunteered.

After my family left I took a short nap before going out with my good friend Barry. He had asked me to go to a play with him a couple weeks back. I reluctantly agreed at that time. I wasn't sure if I would be ready to face a night out with friends yet. I thought about backing out several times before Saturday, but all the widows at work keep telling me I have to get out of the house. I'm glad I made the decision to go out. I overcame my reluctance and had a great time. While I didn't really understand the play, meeting other friends for drinks and dancing made up for my confusion. I met some new friends that night, too. I had so much fun I didn't get home until 4:30 Sunday morning. I haven't been out that late in years probably.

Then came Sunday. Sunday was the day Doug's mom, dad and oldest brother came to the house to go over Doug's expenses. They also brought copies of the death certificate. They helped me go through bills that I hadn't had the heart to open. They also asked me questions to which I didn't know the answers. Doug and I kept are expenses pretty much separate. It seems so odd now, but I never thought about where he spent his money. While we were together close to nine years it just never occurred to me to ask. We had a very trusting relationship. Bills were paid when they were due, and that was all that mattered. During the months he was so sick he couldn't pay his bills himself, I paid what I knew about. I didn't know exactly the why of each one, but I didn't feel the need to know. His family may be curious, but I'm not sure even now that I want to know. If Doug had felt there was a need, he would have told me I'm sure.

The short of this tale is that I appreciate Doug's family helping with things that I couldn't bring myself to do yet. After they left though I was emotionally drained. I went to bed and stayed there for a couple of hours. I finally forced myself to get up and go to the grocery store. I managed to buy 3 cans of soup, milk and Oreos. Not much of a meal plan, but it will hold me over for the next couple of days. I was just so depressed I couldn't muster up the energy to do much more. Finally I called my mother. She's been widowed 10 years now. Even though she is remarried she tells me she still thinks of my dad every day. She told me at first the bad days are going to outweigh the good. Like the other widows I've talked to she has told me that I can't hole up inside the house and wish it all away. I have to get out and keep busy.

And that is how one of my better days was followed by one of my loneliest.

Its Just a Day

I'm not going to be sad today. I'm not going to wallow in self pity. I'm going to remember the love that I shared with Doug. Our time together holds to many good memories to be over shadowed by the last few months. I am going to go out and celebrate with my good friend Barry. That's how I choose to spend my Valentine's day.

Another Day

I didn't sleep well last night. I've been taking medication to help get me through the night, but not last night. Stupid reason aside, by the time I realized my mistake it was 2: 00 AM. When I finally did drop off to sleep I kept dreaming I was at The Funeral. I was also arguing in my dream with Doug's sister about a crucifix of his that she wanted. Doug didn't own a crucifix. Maybe it's because I found a rosary behind the fridge. I have no idea how it got there. Neither one of us are/were practicing Catholics.

Before the fitful night of sleep I did watch RuPaul's Drag Race online. See, I'm not depressed all the time. If you haven't seen it yet, check it out. I'm not much of a reality t.v. watching kind of person, but this show is fun. RuPaul is gorgeous in drag and oddly nerdy looking in a cute sort of way out of drag. The first two episodes are online along with exit interviews and 'behind the scenes' videos. Is the word 'fierce' to over used?

Today was busy with not much down time at work. That's what I need right now. Oh and the guy next to me farted all day. So of course I had to make fun of him. Sometimes it helps to be mean to others. Okay, I wasn't all that mean, well not hateful anyway.

It's Not All Gloom

Today wasn't really a good day. I moped through most of it at work. I canceled dinner with a friend. I used the excuse that I needed to do some errands (which I do), but truth be told I just didn't feel like going out tonight. It's easier to sit here in front of my computer eating warmed up chimichangas then put any effort in leaving the house and face people. I'd like to say I hope this phase doesn't last long, but I can't even do that with conviction.

But it isn't all gloom and despair. I have moments where I laugh at something stupid at work. I see a youtube video posted on a friend's blog, and it makes me smile. They are fleeting emotions, but genuine. My intellect knows that I won't feel like emotional dog crap until the end of my days, but right now that is of little comfort. I know I've got to get out of this house or my depression will just deepen. I need a mental kick in the ass to get started.

My overall point is that I have good moments. I really do. I'll try and share those as much as I share my 'poor-little-widow-me' moments. Just be paitent with me.

Pictures

There were a few days after the funeral that I was constantly looking at pictures. I saw pictures of Doug in his college days. I looked through pictures of Doug with his family. I put a screen saver up with pictures of Doug during our life together. Suddenly I can't do it any more. For some reason I don't really understand looking at all these pictures has become too painful.

I feel a little guilty about not wanting to see pictures of my dead loved one. I wonder if it is a part of the grieving process to want to separate myself from all of these images. Or is it more of me wrapping my denial blanket tighter around me? I should probably ask someone, but then I get just as tired talking about my grief as I do looking at pictures.

Stupid Heart

It's been two weeks since my lover died. My brain knows this, but my heart still can't comprehend the fact the Doug is not just down the road somewhere waiting to come home. I don't think I've even scratched the surface of grief yet. There has been so much to do. Even after the funeral I've barely had a moment to think about Doug's passing. When I do have a moment, when I am alone at night, I try not to think about it. Denial is my threadbare blanket. It does not offer any warmth or comfort. Denial does not offer me any protection. What it does offer me is a sheath of delusion that everything is okay. I've been wrapped up in my denial blanket for some time, months maybe. It is so full of rips and holes I can barely keep it together. I suppose that is a good thing.

I went back to work this last week. One afternoon I had to work later than my usual. My first thought was to call Doug and tell him I'll be home late. This thought was even more out of place since Doug had not been able to communicate on the phone since November 2008. Strange how I was back in my routine and felt like everything was "normal." Stupid heart causing me to forget even for a brief second or two.

I was warned this would happen. That I would want to place phone calls. That I would wonder what we are going to do for dinner tonight. I was warned I could be in a room full of people and still feel incredibly lonely for the person I love. My brain knows this, but my heart sill can't comprehend.

Test Drive

So I've been thinking a lot about blogging lately. Just a place to put some of my scattered thoughts down. If someone else reads them, great. If not, it's not for the masses anyway. At least not yet.

Why a somewhat public forum to spill my figurative guts? I'm not sure I know the answer to that. Maybe it's vanity. Maybe someone somewhere will read what I put down and identify with what I have to say. Maybe I'm full of shit. All are possible answers.

So this is a test drive. It is a start to an experiment that could have good results or end in failure. Either way I hope the journey is at least interesting to me. I hate it when I bore myself.